What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 09:32
Im still living with it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She married twice! .
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I will be 64.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why do I (45, male) feel like I'm crushing on a girl (19, female)?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ive learnt so much.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It was going to be , some day.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I write beautiful poetry .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
This is soul school!.
She was in good health!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I have no regrets .
I was very sick at this time too.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Who then, do I blame.?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Comes on , in middle age.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i do to all so called friends.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
What did i know ?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
But, we were locked up after school.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She found it foreign!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it wasn’t much.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i lived it daily.
I said to her
Why did i forgive my father ?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She loved him until the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was seconnd youngest,
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My family never makes their pension either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.